Creative anguish (for artists only)

[Jeordie]

This is probably going to make sense only to those who define themselves as "artists" somehow.

I do. I always did. I've been an illustrator, writer, designer, videomaker, etc.

As I write I have just survived an intense bout of creative anguish.
My work stays there, in my notebook, drawed and written. It is a short story. While writing it, I was thinking maybe I could do a little illustrated book. While writing it, I was everything but calm. The action was somehow despared, compulsive, like "I had" to do that thing, not really because I want to do it and I'm pleased in doing it. No. It's something extremely anxious, and makes me full of anguish and somehow depressed even. In the end I'm exausted, unhappy, unsatisfied.
I feel nauseaous, dizzy, like I'm going to faint one second or another, I can only lie somewhere, relax, think of something else which isn't my creativity. I have no intention of doing that little book: that would kill me.

I hate what I've written, and drawed. Objectively, it's fine, cute, nice, a good work in a way. People might like it. I know who will love it. But I did not find any pleasure in doing it. I've found so little, that I really don't want to do it anymore. And I'm scared like hell of my creativity.
I don't know what's going on. Drawing, a passion I had since I was born, is something I hate now. And it seems ot me such a waste: I can draw, it's inside me, but I'm too scared of myself to draw anything. If I do senseless drawing that's ok, but I never did that. I want significance; I want to explore my inner being...but hell I feel terrible everytime I do. Why is it so damn hard? I use to access my subconscious to get inspiration, and now I can't do it anymore. My subconscious is in hell!

So since when I started feeling this way, I hated my drawings, I didn't draw at all indeed. Still there is some kind of URGE to create - and this is the bestiality. It's a combination of fascination and fear - and I'm so afraid to lose my mind in the process. All I did, until now, to cope with this is staying away from it. But I wonder for how long I can do this.

Uh, I wonder if somebody reading here has been through this.

[guivolution]

hey man.. I definitely feel your pain, reading about it gives me mixed feelings though. Somehow it comes easier trying to understand something so similar to my experience through stranger eyes, than parading the excruciating, inner and awful journey I've been stepping on the last few years.. I can only ask you a few more questions.. how long you've been through this period? was it always like this..

I know the desperation that comes from not beeing capable of enjoying what is sometimes the most powerful form of expression..

tell me more

[Jeordie]

Dude, I sent you a personal message, as the topic is indeed personal. Hear from you soon.

[V for Victor]

I'm a composer/musician, and playing music is an important part of my CBT. If I get an attack, I say to myself, "I'm not going to indulge this, I'm going to go do something productive."

In some instances, I think that maybe my depression helps me be MORE creative, in taking my emotions and channeling them into music.

[Jeordie]

This kinda shocks me. So, does this mean that you are less creative when not depressed? This means you would, consciously or less, draw yourself into depression for the sake of creation. Sounds kinda dangerous.

[V for Victor]

No, I'm just as creative in a normal, balanced mood as I am when I'm down.

What I'm saying is that playing music is therapeutic for me. And at the same time, it allows me to come up with compositions that I might not haver been able to do otherwise. So it's still a win/win situation.

Not that I WANT to be depressed, nor am I dependant on depression to write pensive music. (Though it sometimes helps in this process.)

[MoneyBags]

.. i used to me the most creative, exciting, funny, always comes up with great new ideas person, now I'm just nothing.. anxiety destroyed my life in every way.. one of the things i miss most and can't stand any more is the fact that I've lost so many friends because I used to be so funny and creative and wild.. so spontaneous, now I care too much about what people think and can't do much of anything.. I am just a bore.. the two go hand in hand, when anxiety goes up, creativity comes straight down..

[jitters]

You are not nothing you are just depressed see the depression section of this forum. Dont be too down on yourself, you will get better. Remember Anxiety is an illness like anything else and not your fault. Try not to feel you have to be creative, spotaneous or funny for people to like you. You are a good person you is struggling with difficult personal demons, you'll come out the otherside. Try to smile :D it improves your mood and the mood of those around you.

Duncan

[guivolution]

exactly like jitters said.. I felt the same way so many times.. Pleasing other people and being the crazy, creative type becomes too important eventhough it WAS coming natural and most of the times we didn't even pay attention..
You have to let go of this precious gift.. open your hand, it's not going anywhere, it's you.. but if you try to hold on too much, you'll get stuck in the past, in other people opinion and finally in your own, which is the worst..

you'r definitely not alone

Guids