daisy84279
05-20-2012, 08:12 PM
Hi friends! My name is Sara. I'm almost 28 years old and suffer from...you guessed it, anxiety. Sometimes even that word makes me nervous. Anyway, I have also suffered from depression for about 15 years. I went to a small private school from Kindergarten to graduation. One would think that going to a private, Christian school would be a lot easier than going to a public school. Well, that's not how it was for me. Small class sizes (only 13 in my graduating class) made it difficult to find a place to fit in. You were either in, or out. And where was I? You guessed right again...I was out. I didn't feel like I could talk to my teachers because they favored the "in" people. I felt weird talking to my parents about my problems. Not because they were bad parents; they were, and still are, amazing parents. I'm just more of a reserved person and I tend to keep my feelings inside. My depression started when many kids begin to feel insecure about themselves; middle school. By that time, my brother, who is only 17 months younger than me, began to treat me rudely, sometimes completely ignoring me. Many times I would ask how how his day was, he would reply with a simple "Fine." He would ask me how my day was, and when I would begin to actually say something about how my day was, he would interrupt me and say "That's nice, I don't care." He would yell earthquake when I would jump on the trampoline. I am by no means fat, but I have some curves. Most people would say to this story, "Oh, that's just sibling talk. Just get over it and make up." But it didn't stop at high school. Things like this have been going on and on still now that we are adults. I feel that the way he treated, and still treats, me led to some of my depression as well. Growing up in a Christian school actually hurt me more spiritually than a public school ever would. Not what you would expect right? Once college hit, I began to realize that I had no idea what I really believed in. Growing up in a Christian school, the Bible was a textbook. We even had Bible class. To me, the Bible did not have that spark, that sacred-ness that it should have. I then began to question everything I believed in, even who I really was. What really were my values? What did I really believe in? Well, ever heard the phrase "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything"? That was me. This is when my anxiety began to emerge. What really caused me the most anxiety was the 2012 hype. I was so caught up in this theory of the world ending in 2012. I thought about it constantly. I convinced myself that it was going to happen. I began to to get more depressed. Why have dreams if I will never get to see them come true? Why look to the future, when, in my mind, I didn't have one? The turning point for me was when I posted a note on Facebook about everything I was feeling, thinking, and worrying about. What I didn't expect was for my younger cousin to see the note, tell her mother, who told my mother. It was all out on the table then. It actually felt good in a way to get everything out there, but I also felt like a failure for feeling and thinking the way I was. Well, my parents got me into a medical doctor who prescribed an anti-depressant, and through trial and error, we found the right one for me. Things are better than they were. My thoughts aren't as terrible as they were. But I still suffer from the anxiety. I still worry some about 2012. The year is almost half over and the closer it gets to the new year, themore anxious I know I'm going to get. I think that I believed that for so long, it has become a part of my thinking. It is very hard to shake. I worry about what others think of me, hoping that they are not judging me, hoping I'm acting the right way when I talk to others. What I've noticed the most now is my physical symptoms. I will have an actual attack about 3-4 times a year. That isn't a lot, but they are really bad. I get his burning sensation that starts in my head, and goes through my arms, to my chest, and to my legs. My heart races, I feel like I'm going to pass out and die. I have smaller ones, where I shake, and can't control my thoughts. Those are mainly at night. That is when I would worry the most about 2012. Things are really going to change for me this year. I am buying my first house, starting a new job, and getting married all in the next 4 months. I know all these things are happy, wonderful events. And I am going to try to see them as that. I think sometimes life in general just makes me nervous. But, I need to get over that because I don't want to look back at my life and see worry and stress. I want to see happy moments and wonderful memories. Well, that about does it for me. I'll be talking with you all on here when I can! Thanks for reading!