It's just getting worse- please help

[alex1993]

Hi,
I have been on here on and off for the past two years... I'm a girl, and I'm going to be 19 in a month. Caused by smoking weed, I got really bad depersonalization when I was 16 and thats how my anxiety started. It got better over the course of five months. I was/is still TERRIFIED of getting psychosis. I've had some bad days since then, but usually it is fine. But I never forgot how terrifying the DP/DR was. Then, last week I had a sort of a mental breakdown. I had panic attacks and DP/DR and I was crying, which has been nearly impossible for me to do for a year. I went home for the weekend, felt 100% better, and came back to school, and the anxiety just came right back around. Now since the last week, and my fears of going crazy, and the memories of the fear I had with derealization, my comfort in the world has kind of been taken from me. I was so obsessed with making sure I was still in reality and that I didn't go crazy. Now I am getting these really upsetting thoughts that I don't know if I am real or if anything is real. I am generally anxiety free for a few hours in the day, but most of the day I am not 100% sure that I am in reality, because I don't feel safe. Reality is the ultimate safety for me.

I guess what I am saying is that I am really scared that I have no control over my life or the world around me. I was just watching a play and I was thinking, "does this really exist?" I thought for a second that everything in the room was made up in my head, and that none of it was really happening, and that I was psycho. I didn't BELIEVE it, but the thought scared me. I just keep having these really upsetting thoughts and I feel like I am going to pass out, or I have headaches and dizziness and nausea which I have never had before with my anxiety. I have this anticipatory anxiety that something really bad is going to happen, like I am going to crack and go crazy or that I will stay this scared forever. I also had the worst panic attacks I've ever had yesterday too.

I am only 18, and I don't want my life from now on be based on these compiled messed up thoughts I have about the world and my brain. I just feel like curling into a ball and wishing I never thought any of these stupid thoughts, I wish I was just some dumb and ditzy girl who only cared about typical high school crap. I think being a boarding school has been causing a lot of my anxiety, and I am graduating three weeks from today.

AM I GOING CRAZY?? I know people with anxiety have disturbing thoughts but is this just too out there, and am I acutally just "losing touch"? I am so scared. I am also very homesick since the anxiety came up again.

[bhamlaxy]

I'm in the exact same boat as you- panic disorder set on by marijuana. Major DP/DR since then that leads to some smaller panic attacks. We have the same fears- "I'm going to go crazy, I will always feel this fear", anticipatory anxiety that something really bad is going to happen, etc.

No, you are most certainly not going crazy. Even in your most disturbing moment, you said "I didn't BELIEVE it, but the thought scared me." Not believing it is what separates crazy from not.

Derealization and depersonalization are very disturbing. But it is not you going crazy, it is not permanent in any way, and it poses no harm to you. Believe me, this is classic anxiety and you are in no way heading towards psychosis.

The science behind it is pretty simple. For those with anxiety, our nervous system is a bit on edge- kind of on "high alert" at all times because it thinks there are imminent threats when really there aren't.

Your body has a natural self defense system called "fight or flight". When there is an imminent threat to you, like a dangerous wild animal, your adrenaline surges and your entire body prepares to either fight or run away. This is the root cause of every physical anxiety symptom- your heart races to increase oxygen to your muscles, your limbs become numb so you feel less pain, and in the most extreme cases you urinate yourself to decrease your body weight so you are more agile.

DP/DR isn't the full reaction of your nervous system, it's a symptom of your fight or flight system being ready to engage, looking for a threat. Your mind feels different, everything looks different, physical sensations feel different. And you are actively looking for something that's threatening you, because subconsciously you are thinking "well if my nervous system is responding in this way, there MUST be a threat". All too often, you end up identifying the DP/DR as a threat and it just adds to the anxiety.

When I get DP/DR, I tell myself the following things
1. This is very uncomfortable and even a bit disturbing, but I am not losing my mind. This is anxiety, pure and simple. It is one of the most common features of anxiety, and there is a crystal clear biological explanation for it- my nervous system is just a bit on edge.
2. This will not hurt me and I am in no danger. In fact it's quite the opposite- It's just my body's self defense system activating when it shouldn't. My body's natural defenses would never hurt me because that would make no sense.
3. I feel a little weird. That's it. It will pass (it always does).

Now I would highly recommend visiting a therapist and possibly a psychiatrist. Medication can help SIGNIFICANTLY in the short term. I take .5mg of Ativan, a commonly prescribed medicine, when a full panic attack is or has come on. In 15-30 minutes it blasts the anxiety away and I feel almost totally normal. You could also start a low dose of an antidepressant (they are very commonly used to treat anxiety). Over time, it can eliminate the DP/DR and panic attacks.

You should also couple medication with therapy. I have found the more that I understand about anxiety, the better I feel. It seems for you like there is much "mystery" in it right now, and that adds massive fuel to the fires of "what if I.... lose my mind, never get back to normal, etc.". I've gotten much better since I've read up on DP/DR a lot and can definitely say when I feel it "No, I am NOT going crazy." and "This is just a biological response and it can't hurt me."

Let me know if you have any questions. I know it is horribly uncomfortable and disturbing, but it poses no real threat to you and over time you will be fine.

[alex1993]

I do have a psychiatrist, I do not have a therapist, but my psych is great. I can text her when I want, and she schedules phone calls with me when I am at school to check up on me without charge. She is very good at helping me through her words instead of just prescribing me more meds. I've had her since I was 12 for ADD and learning disabilities, but then I got anxiety when I was 16 and started seeing her about that. I was on 100 mg of zoloft since then, and she just upped my dosage to 125 last week. I have actually been taking half of my 0.5 Ativan pills once a day for the last week, and sometimes it helps. I just took 3/4 of a 0.5 mg tablet, and i just feel loose and floppy, not happy and normal. But then again, it is the weekend, and I slept in. If I sleep too much I get very out of it and derealized, and I also get very emotional. My blood pressure drops.. I just feel like crap on the weekends. So I can't really say it "didn't work" today.

I kind of got over it, but I kept on having those disturbing thoughts about what if everyone and everything is all made up in my head and none of it exists. And I don't really think psychotic people really question reality, they just have a warped sense of it. Its just how I thought I viewed the world. Just because someone believes that God controls everything, that doesn't make them psychotic, does it? It's just that God is a comforting idea and what think is depressing and upsetting.

But yeah, anything I think always ties back to DR/DP and the way it pulls you away from everything. Its like I have trauma from anxiety that was caused by trauma.
I can't seem to feel peaceful. I think I have SAD, but where I get anxiety in the summer. I'm barely able to do any work now because my thoughts keep drifting off and I get nervous and work completely becomes irrelevant to the battle I am having in my head.

[bhamlaxy]

If it's okay with your psych (and I'm sure it would be) don't be afraid to take the full .5mg dose of ativan when things are rough. That's still a very very low dose.

[alex1993]

I mean, I can take however much I want, I am just sensitive to narcotics so I want to make sure I know my limits. When I first got anxiety I was taking klonopin and I got so hazy and out of it i couldn't function. The ativan didn't really do anything this time, I am still anxious. I'm watching a movie right now so I can cry and get my stress out.

[Meggieliz]

Hang in there, Alex. I'm experiencing the depersonalized feelings too. It's so incredibly weird and terrifying. It's as if you're losing yourself. I get really dizzy too and it feels as though the room is moving. I understand what you mean, but I dont fully understand why this is happening to us. It feels like a sick joke, doesn't it? If you want, please PM me and we can spew thoughts at each other and get it out of our system. This really sucks!

[alex1993]

I haven't had severe DP/DR lately, but the bad stuff in the past makes it unbearable when I do have it now. I am so scared of losing touch with reality now. Whether it be permanent DP/DR or psychosis or just feeling anxious and freaking out about all of this stuff like this.

This is really what bothers me: I can not even feel safe or comfortable at all. I am so scared that something horrific is going to happen, namely snap and go crazy, that I am anticipating it happening. Or I am scared that my brain will permanently alter itself to the point that the world wont look or feel the same anymore. I am just expecting something bad to happen.

I just want to live life without thinking about any of this. I want to just get up and go to school and be concerned about my homework and getting to school on time instead being a prisoner of my own head, and not fully trusting what I experience as real. Nothing has changed, and there are no signs, so why am I so scared? I don't feel comfortable. Ever.

[alex1993]

I know I do get more anxious in the spring. I originally got my horrendous anxiety from April to June, but it kind I went away in June and it was the worst in may. Last year I had a few unnerving thoughts, nothing bad. The spring just wigs me out.

Also, I am at school. I have lots of bad memories here, particularly pertaining to my anxiety. Being here in the spring just associates with my anxiety from years before. If it was winter and I was at home or college next year in manhattan I would be fine. I go to school in a pretty new England cow town, so there isn't much to distract me from these thoughts.

[arsenalfun]

As long as you ask yourself - "Am I going crazy?" you should know that you aren't going crazy :)

Btw i overcome DP by faking and pretending I enjoy it..and it went away just like that.

[alex1993]

No, I don't have DP/DR. well, I think it's mild right now. And I know, I actually did that last week. I pretended that I enjoyed it, because I actually kind of did.
Right now I was just questioning whether anything is real or not, after feeling unreal from previous experiences over the years. It is very distressing. I found another topic on here and what I am/was thinking is kind of based off of solipsism. I know I feel like that because I have spent years here at this school and i never really travel far from it. I go home, I have traveled out of the country, but it kind of just came up with my anxiety that just blossomed when the flowers did

[trinidiva]

Very good advice was given here..!As someone mentioned earlier, when you are truly going crazy, you aren't aware of that.