V for Victor
01-19-2007, 07:20 PM
Hey all,
I want to tell you about the major battle I fought this evening with my OCD and anxiety.
It seems that an elderly lady that I went to church with (back when I used to go) was suddenly diagnosed with a massive tumor in her brain. Soon after its detection, it ruptured, and her brain is basically dead. She only has her vitals and that's it.
She is in the hospital now, and probably won't live much longer. My parents and an elder from the church were going into see her, and wanted to know if I wished to join them.
This was a woman I had known since I was born, and who taught me a lot of cool stuff back in the kiddie room during church.
I know myself, and I know that I have severe difficulty dealing with death, and illness. I wasn't even sure how I'd hold up in the hospital. But I went anyway.
Getting closer and closer to the hospital, I was already going into my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy steps, and reminding myself that I will probably have some problems here.
Once we got to the room, I was hardly able to get in there. My legs kept hesitating, but I forced myself in anyway. It was difficult to look at her even, and I don't know if that's just because I was very sad, or because I was having subconscious obsessions.
The group gathered in a little circle to pray over her, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I was getting shaky and about to break down and cry, so I stepped out and went ahead and did that! Again, I'm confused over whether or not it was some sort of anxiety, or if it was just grief.
I was starting to worry about touching things in the room, but I forced myself to touch the furniture, and some magazines. I did that a few times, and it got a little easier! Then I went back in the room, and I started to worry again. But I forced myself up to the foot of the bed, and managed not to freak out and run away.
This was very difficult, because of the grief problems, and the anxiety, but at least I managed to confront my fears by going in the first place!
I do hope that I don't develop any obsessions from this occurence. Oh well, it's all a part of getting over it, I guess.
I want to tell you about the major battle I fought this evening with my OCD and anxiety.
It seems that an elderly lady that I went to church with (back when I used to go) was suddenly diagnosed with a massive tumor in her brain. Soon after its detection, it ruptured, and her brain is basically dead. She only has her vitals and that's it.
She is in the hospital now, and probably won't live much longer. My parents and an elder from the church were going into see her, and wanted to know if I wished to join them.
This was a woman I had known since I was born, and who taught me a lot of cool stuff back in the kiddie room during church.
I know myself, and I know that I have severe difficulty dealing with death, and illness. I wasn't even sure how I'd hold up in the hospital. But I went anyway.
Getting closer and closer to the hospital, I was already going into my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy steps, and reminding myself that I will probably have some problems here.
Once we got to the room, I was hardly able to get in there. My legs kept hesitating, but I forced myself in anyway. It was difficult to look at her even, and I don't know if that's just because I was very sad, or because I was having subconscious obsessions.
The group gathered in a little circle to pray over her, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I was getting shaky and about to break down and cry, so I stepped out and went ahead and did that! Again, I'm confused over whether or not it was some sort of anxiety, or if it was just grief.
I was starting to worry about touching things in the room, but I forced myself to touch the furniture, and some magazines. I did that a few times, and it got a little easier! Then I went back in the room, and I started to worry again. But I forced myself up to the foot of the bed, and managed not to freak out and run away.
This was very difficult, because of the grief problems, and the anxiety, but at least I managed to confront my fears by going in the first place!
I do hope that I don't develop any obsessions from this occurence. Oh well, it's all a part of getting over it, I guess.