advice

[leighmichael01]

I'm 22 years old and have been dealing with anxiety for years now. I'm posting this looking for a little advice and hopefully some answers as well.
Let me start by briefly describing my issues with anxiety. I am constantly worrying about my family members, mainly my mother dying. I'm obsessed with it. If I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I can't stop thinking about it. I have brought myself to tears many times over this. I don't know what to do. I even attach sentimental value to meaningless items as a result of this. I have trouble erasing phone messages that a loved one has left me because I'm worried that if I erase it and something happens to them, I will not be able to hear their voice again. I work as a RRT in a hospital so I deal with death on a normal bases but I have never had to deal with this on a personal bases. I have had these fears for along time, this is not a result of my work position however I know this is not helping it any. I can't imagine how I would react if I actually had to deal with this. I have done some research online about my fears and it is almost consistent with a separation anxiety disorder only I had this issue while living at home and still have them now that I've been out of the house for 2 years.
This is not my only issue. I also have a huge issue with my own safety. I am a very paranoid person. It is so bad that I can not stay home at night by myself for very long. I have never stayed alone in a house! Even during the day I am paranoid that someone may break into my house. I can't take a shower when no one is home even if it is in the middle of the day. When I am by myself, no matter where or when, I always have my cell phone in my hand because I worry that I might need it.

What is with my obsession with loved ones and me dying? Is this an obsession with death or separation? I am currently medicated with adderall for ADHD but I am not on anything for anxiety. I have tried lexapro and Zolof with absolutely no help.

I am looking for some advice or at least an explanation. I am possibly moving to another state in the next couple months and this has caused a flare in my symptoms. I don't want to take anymore medication, I would love advice on how to control my symptoms.

[jitters]

Stress will make the symptoms flare up. You said in your post you dont know what you'd do or be like if someone you loved actually did die, The truth is the reality would not be half as bad as the punishment you currently put yourself through. Anxiety Sufferers tend to be O.K. when things just happen it is the build up which causes us such problems. We "what if?" think... What if one of my loved ones dies?... What if I die?... How will everyone feel? ... How will I feel? ... Will I go mad?. This is what causes the anxiety, the problem is by acting like this we are not enjoying the now we are living in the worries of a futurewhich never comes.

If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. ~Don Herold

I think you definatly have a fear of death although I think it is the after effects how you would feel if you lost someone, How others would feel if you died. And you are right your job will contribute by reminding you everyday what you feel you have to fear. It is this fear of others being hurt by your dimise which causes your obsession with your health and your fear of being attacked, probably psycho style in the shower.

Thinnk about the causes of your anxiety rationalise if you can and seek professional help from a good therapist. Try and see your move as a fresh start, a new beginning. One where you live life rather than worry about death.

Well I have no idea if this will help I just thought I would try and make you think. It cant make anything worse huh?

Stay Strong

Duncan