No joke-I'm really going crazy and can't make it stop.

[stressedntexas]

I'm a 27 year old pre-law student. I think it's safe to say that if I took time that I really don't have to register and type this up, that I have anxiety. So, let's move past that into what's happening now. I read where one member said that he/she pays attention to his heart a lot now. I do to. That's sometimes all I can think about. "How is it beating, will it be okay if I'm always this stressed", and so on.

The dreams-This is the part that I don't understand. I have a perfect driving record, I was never even sent to the principles office, I have never been in physical altercation and certainly never hurt anyone or anything. Heck, I had trouble potty training a dog because I couldn't swat her with a newspaper when she crapped on my floor! But, I have dreams that I have killed someone and I have them all the time. It's always the same scenerio. I dream that I killed someone a long time ago, and years have gone by and no one has found the body and I'm always worried about it. In my dreams I worry about leaving my family and making my mother sad when I go to jail and disappointing everyone. In my dreams I am mad at myself and wonder how I could have done such a thing. In real life I am very hard on myself and do put a tremendous amount of stock into what my parents think of me and their approval. When I watch the news and see that someone was found dead in the woods, I automatically think about the person that did it and think about how they must not be able to sleep at night and must be sick to their stomach all the time worrying. It's almost like I've taken on this burden for something I've never done.

That dream is like a huge spin off from everything else in my life. I worry about things that I don't have to and have no control over. In fact, the MINUTE I become happy today and take a deep breath, I glance at the temperature on my computer and start to worry (almost to tears) about the people with no home and how cold they must be. But that's not all...I go into detail with myself in my mind about what their conditions must be like. For example, it's wet and cold so I know they need socks. Then, I think what my feet would feel like if I had no home or car and had to walk everywhere in the freezing wet weather and, low and behold, I'm depressed.

It's like the anxiety and inability to do nothing about it almost gets subconciously addictive. I'm stressed and can't make it go away, so I'm miserable, but it's been this way for so long that I don't know any other way. So, when I finally do get some relief, I make-up something in my head. Not on purpose, of course, I am just analyzing my thoughts. Imagine that.

Anyway, I know after having read that, you all must think I'm crazy. Believe me, I probably would agree with you most of the time. Truth be told, I think crazy would be to think that all of the things I've typed above are normal and I know they're not. I think I've been dealing with anxiety (which has led to depression apparently) for so long, that it's starting to get to me-badly.

Anyway, thanks for posting your stories. I'm glad I found you all!

[jitters]

Worrying about doing horrible things which in reality we would never do is a common anxiety problem, as is worrying about things that could happen. I think maybe you would benefit from therapy and some rest, sounds like you are working your self a little too hard try and chill. Remember you are more important than your work or schooling, without your health what are you working for? make time for yourself.

Duncan

[V for Victor]

Duncan is right, this is a common thing. And, it's a symptom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (OCD)

From what you're describing, it sounds as they you may have OCD.

Consider printing off and taking this test for OCD symptoms that was created by the University of Hamburg:

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/tests/ocdtest.htm

If you find out that you are definately prone to OCD symptoms, I'll be happy to talk with you about it, as I suffer from OCD myself, and have dealt with obsessions with violence. Please feel free to send me a private message. :)

P.S.

Don't worry, you're not going crazy! :)

[stressedntexas]

When I was notified that I had a response, I was nervous about opening it thinking, "Oh god, here it goes." Then I opened it and you both told me that you understood and recognized it and I burst into tears and couldn't stop. I feel like a freak from all of this. I mean, people tell me how attractive I am and how smart and how funny, but I pick myself apart until I'm miserable with myself. Then, I think anyone that pays me a compliment has something up their sleeve or is patronizing me because I feel like everything that can be wrong with me is or imagine stuff that is. I know I'm doing it and try so hard to relax, then I think I'm being lazy. It's like I'm being sucked into a tornado that is mind and can't break loose. I try-everyday.

Question...do you all find yourself trying, for the most part, to appear normal like you've got it all together when you feel like you don't so that other people don't know what you deal with?


I feel so good having the opportunity to talk to you all. Thanks again.

[stressedntexas]

Of the 27 questions, I answered 22 of them as True. Thanks for the quiz and yet another relief.

[V for Victor]

Yes, it used to be that I would try often to appear as though I'm perfectly normal, and I was always trying to make myself fit in. And I found out that doing that can be very discouraging, painful, and above all, uneccessary. Nobody is "normal," yet everybody is trying to pretend they are, based on how other people are acting.

If you pay conscious attention to how you act daily, you may find that you're constantly modifying your behavior according to who is around. I know I do. But I always remind myself that honesty is the only way to deal with your problems.

Once I was able to open up to my close friends and tell them all about my problems (no easy task!), I felt much better. I no longer felt like I had anything to hide, and we became closer that way.

I know you feel like a freak. But you have to remind yourself that it is not YOU, it's your brain.

I spent about two years with my mind constantly being bombarded with images of violence and gore. Every time I looked at any random object, it suddenly became a weapon in my mind. Every liquid became blood, even what I was drinking!

As you may already know, these images can be very disturbing and scary. I was already so depressed that I assumed that I was seeing these things just because I was a natural born killer, or that I was just a freak, and I didn't care. I actually started to embrace it, because I thought this was my true nature.

Things got worse for me, as my fears of contamination and disease got more intense, and I was just sort of stuck on the couch all day worrying, and not eating.

But then, I finally discovered what it was that was causing me all this pain and fear: It is OCD.

I sat down and read a book that my mom got (she has OCD), and it taught me that there was a way out of this dark pit I had fallen in. I've recommended this a lot around here, and I'm gonna do it again: BRAINLOCK, by Gregory M. Schwartz M.D.

It is all about OCD, and more importantly, it details his proven four-step Cognitive Behavioral Therapy method, with which you can actually change the way your brain works, without the use of medication!

I talked to my doctor about my depression and anxiety, and she put me on citalopram. That, in combination with the four steps, has helped me to work around my anxiety, and to feel better than I have in years!

Phew, sorry for the length of this post!

[stressedntexas]

I know what you mean about the "natural born killer" stuff. It's almost like our minds think of the worst possible thing in the world and then convince us that we're capable of that. Can it get any worse than that?!?! The other night I had to talk myself out of thinking that I'd killed someone as a child and stashed their body in one of my drawers in the house I grew up in. In between being awake and asleep I was saying to myself, "C'mon Kristin! if you had really killed someone, then...etc, etc." I was rationalizing the situation and trying to make myself realize that I had or would never do something like that. Sidenote: I'm sitting here as I'm writing this thinking, "If anyone at the bar association read this and knew who I was, would they consider me "of sound mind? Would talking about this ruin my chances of accomplishing my goals?"

I've talked to my mom about it before. I don't really have time for friends because all I do is work and study so I've lost touch with all my friends over the last couple of years. When I say things like "I try to stop thinking about it, or I can't help it," she says YOU CAN HELP IT YOU JUST HAVE TO STOP THINKING THAT WAY. I know she does her best, but believe me if I could stop, I would! No one wants to live like this. You know?

[V for Victor]

Your mom is basically right, but it's WAY easier said than done!

And actually being able to not think about it takes a monumental effort.

It definately sounds like you have OCD, and it would be a good idea to talk to a doctor about it. Going on medication can help, and so can therapy. In time, you can learn to override the intrusive, unwanted thoughts.

It's good that you're a hardworker, and are driver to succeed in your career. If you take the same attitude with your condition, you can overcome it. It takes time though, and you may have to make time. It will do no good to say, "I'll handle it tomorrow, or next year, or when I'm out of school." The problem WILL NOT go away, and it will only get worse. It is important to start tackling it right away.

[stressedntexas]

Tonight I was sitting in bed with my laptop and books and had a diet dp on my night stand and noticed for the first time how much I moved stuff around. I've always looked at it as "trying to get comfortable", but I moved the laptop by fractions of a centimeter probably 6 or seven times in about 60 seconds and moved my dp can several times and made sure my highlighters and pens were all right where they needed to be. I wrote a note today by hand and for the first time realized something else. If I make a mistake, no matter how long the note is, or if i notice my handwriting wasn't so neat in a certain section, I start all over. When I underline something and it turns out uneven, I make it even.

This is unbelievable! The thought absolutely never crossed my mind that I had a legitimate "illness." I thought I was losing my mind and had I not ventured out and starting exposing my inner most secrets that I go through, I just might have. Till next time...

[jitters]

I know what you are going through, when I first worked out what was wrong, I broke down and cried. But I think more than anything this was due to the relief of knowing what was wrong. Now you know you can begin the road to recovery.

Duncan

[stressedntexas]

Yes, I cried the biggest cry of relief. What's even more suprising, is the mother I mentioned earlier that told me just to STOP THINKING THOSE THINGS AND THINKING THAT WAY, like it was that simple....just told me that she's suffered from OCD for years and had similar dreams.

I'm 27 years old and 5 minutes ago, she told me that she's been that way for a long time, but has always covered it up to appear normal. I laughed a blissful laugh!!!!

I told her that I wasn't going to bottle it up inside. Now, I'm certainly not going to discuss it at a coctail party or with my boss or professors, but I am going to get help! What it must have been like for her to cover this up for so many years. My heart goes out to her.

[stressedntexas]

Tell me how long you all have been working through stuff like this.

[V for Victor]

I've had mine for about four years. (At least I've had the symptoms.) But, like I said, I only recently found out WHAT it was, instead of me just going crazy.

I was a wreck before I started figuring out how to cope with it. I'm still learning though.

[jitters]

I've had bad symptoms for about four years, but I've only been certain what was wrong since just before xmas. But looking back I've had these tendencies for years, since I was a kid.

Duncan

[jitters]

Yes, I cried the biggest cry of relief. What's even more suprising, is the mother I mentioned earlier that told me just to STOP THINKING THOSE THINGS AND THINKING THAT WAY, like it was that simple....just told me that she's suffered from OCD for years and had similar dreams.

I'm 27 years old and 5 minutes ago, she told me that she's been that way for a long time, but has always covered it up to appear normal. I laughed a blissful laugh!!!!

I only recently found out both my father and uncle and maternal grandfather. All suffer with a watered down version. Why cant our parents tell us these things they would if it where say brest cancer.

Oh dont answer that I'm just ranting.

Duncan

[stressedntexas]

I don't know what you do for a living, but you are truly a blessing. If no one on here has ever told you that, then I'm disappointed.

You really help people in here. The last two days have been the best two days of my life!

I feel free for the first time in years.

[jitters]

Thankyou:roll: , I dont do anything but reply to those who ask things. No-one has all the answers but at least here we understand each others problems. At the moment I just design websites and look after my kid. But I hope to go into something different when my 2 year old goes to school. Assuming I'm well enough.

Things are gettin better all the time.

Like the Beatles song.

[Fear]

I constantly imagine myself being in other people's shoes.Like a killer,a doctor,a murdered,someone who helps suicidals or poor people.I have even imagined to be like Martin Luther King,or Bobby Kennedy.Cause it happens when I whatch things on tv,you know.Does it happen to you guys?I imagine to be a champion too,or someone who does great things.And I daydream a whole lot,some periods,but I've always done that.

[jitters]

I've done pretty much the same, I tend to worry what I would do in certain situations. and worry about say nuclear holocausts, plagues etc. when I read or see things on TV. Anxiety tends to make us feel if we worry about somthing it wont happen. I know waste of time right, but it is the nature of the beast.

Duncan

[Fear]

But the thing about me is,I don't worry.

[jitters]

Perhaps worry is the wrong word, Concern we may act on our thoughts is a better description. If you dont worry about your thoughts then that is a good thing it means you are comfortable with yourself. But many of the anxiety triggers we have are subconcious, maybe you worry about these things without realising like "oh my god maybe I am mad, these thoughts are wrong. Why dont they feel wrong?" etc.

I'm not you but this is the way I have felt in the past.

Duncan :unsure:

[guivolution]

I think you've been doing your homework jitters, I can relate to what you'r saying and I like when you're talking about the nature of the beast.. there's something more.. we all know that anxiety is an artificial fear, but IT IS a real termometer of our inner selfesteem and of our issues with the outside.. It's hard to talk generalizing with complex situation and more complex individuals, but there things in common.. otherwise, there wouldn't be this feeling we'r all having about being in the right place..

salom,
Guids

[justbreathe]

VICTOR, omg your post has really really helped me.

"I spent about two years with my mind constantly being bombarded with images of violence and gore. Every time I looked at any random object, it suddenly became a weapon in my mind. Every liquid became blood, even what I was drinking."

A few years ago I was extremely paranoid for like a month straight and has those same thoughts and feelings! I had this major anxiety over losing my mind and going crazy and ending up in a hospital or becoming posessed. I would suddenly look at things and see EVIL in everything and saw the BLOOD thing too. But it wasnt like I was hallucinating...but I starting thinking I WAS it was the scariest stuff and the only thing to make it go away was getting drunk so long story short it created a drinking prob etc. I have never told any therapist or counselor this EVER because I dont want to scare them. I AM SO relieved I am not alone. I dont feel this way anymore but once every few months I will be paralyzed with fear these same thoughts come up again...
Has CBT hepled alot? How do you find a therapist that specializes in that??[/quote]

[V for Victor]

Justbreathe,

You're definately not alone. Intrusive thoughts and images of violence is a common symptom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which is what I have.

First, I suggest you take the University of Hamburg test for OCD that I posted on the first page of this thread. This can help you determine on your own if you're prone to OCD.

I think pretty much any trained therapist can help you deal with your anxiety. I wouldn't be too worried about telling a therapist about the evil thoughts that bombarded you.

The important thing is to be honest with your doctor and/or therapist, so they can pinpoint exactly what it is that is bothering you.

Don't worry, all these things don't mean you're crazy. I wasted alot of time trying to remember my past, searching for some terrible event or trauma that would've made me have these violent thoughts, but I finally learned what it really was: OCD.

Hey, send me a private message if you'd like to talk about these things some more.

[Anxiety_joey86]

Hey guys this stuff is really really similar to what I have been suffering under for the past 2 years and I'd like to talk further about it. Didn't want to hi-jack ur post so shall I Private message you both?

[stressedntexas]

Not too long ago, I had another dream. I obsess over the war between the US and Iraq-it's all you hear about over here. I had a dream that some of the insurgents came into my apartment and I had to kill them. Then, I didn't want dead bodies all over the place. So, I got some help from others around my apartment and some friends and I carried them off. The next morning (in my dream) I woke up and stepped on the carpet and blood came up through the carpet like it was drenched in blood. I was mortified. This was a few days after my very first posting, but I just didn't post that one.

I stopped watching things like "Medical Examiner", "CSI", and all those other shows and anything else related to death or violence. I haven't had another dream since I stopped. I have to try and keep my mind clear of unnecessary pictures of any violence or I dream about it as if it pertains to me directly. My dreams are SO VIVID that I wake up the next morning feeling as if I'd actually experienced all of those things.

And feel free to private message me at any time or post back. Those things help-they help all of us.

[Greatdane]

VICTOR, omg your post has really really helped me.

"I spent about two years with my mind constantly being bombarded with images of violence and gore. Every time I looked at any random object, it suddenly became a weapon in my mind. Every liquid became blood, even what I was drinking."

A few years ago I was extremely paranoid for like a month straight and has those same thoughts and feelings! I had this major anxiety over losing my mind and going crazy and ending up in a hospital or becoming posessed. I would suddenly look at things and see EVIL in everything and saw the BLOOD thing too. But it wasnt like I was hallucinating...but I starting thinking I WAS it was the scariest stuff and the only thing to make it go away was getting drunk so long story short it created a drinking prob etc. I have never told any therapist or counselor this EVER because I dont want to scare them. I AM SO relieved I am not alone. I dont feel this way anymore but once every few months I will be paralyzed with fear these same thoughts come up again...
Has CBT hepled alot? How do you find a therapist that specializes in that??
[/quote]

Wow i am relived and somehow feel a little more sane that i thought i have been in the past 2 months. I have the same disturbing thought as you, any object is a weapon, i always carry a bottle of water and boom out of nowhere i am drinking human blood. just few nights ago i was eating a steak and i thougt came as if i was eating human flesh. I killed some1 and was eating it. Not sure if this was the actual thought but i felt very scared. I have been eating meat again but when i go to supermarket i can get discusted by meat and think what id this was human flesh. I also had thought of raining blood. Sometimes its very hard to not get scared and concerned about it. I drive in the car and see a van and think its fullof human bodies. I was looking at my partner once and his eyes are very beautiful i fgelt very pasinate i want it to kisshis beautiful eye and lick it. Immediately the thought inmy mind was oh my god i want to eat his eyes.

So i can emphatize with you. I have met an ex sufferer of this thoughts and she told me to write this thoughts down and make themin a funny story and give it a funny twist maybe use yourself as a third person on use some1 else as the acting caracter but make it funny. then read it and laugh at it. Its difficult i tryed and it works.

Please lets talk somemore maybe we can help each other you are the only one i can identify with.


Greatdane

[Kitten]

i have had depression and anxiety since i was at least 10, and i didn't realize it until i was 20. and this fall (i'm 23 now) i realized that i might have ocd. ( i tok the test, i had 16 out of 27. 8 on both the o and the c.)

thank you for all of your posts on this! it is a huge relife knowing that i am not alone, and that i'm not a defected humanbeing... that this has a name.

i too have thought about blood and gore.... and about hurting other people and i have had dreams about it. i had one last week, (i usually have nightmeres, where people are chasing me, or out to hurt me, get me etc.) this happened in this dream as well, but at the end i took a chair and started to bash in the "bad" guys head. his brain was coming out of his head and everything.

i have also had alot of thoughts about being hurt, like what if someone stabed me what would that feel like?


i also recognice the thing you wrote on your first post stressedntexas, about thinking about other peoples living condition and being really sad etc b/c of those thoughts. i have a really big problem waking by homeless people on the street, cause i just fall into those thoughts. :(

i also think sometimes about what if i killed someone and went to jail... and what would it be like to kill someone... or what if i was homeless. drives me nuts, these thoughts cause they just spin in my head, never ending

i also wash my hands a lot, A LOT, especially at work. i work with kids who have autism and it gets messy, dirty dipers etc. kids with their fingers here and there, and then they touch you.. also i shower A LOT... 1-4 times a day. my worst day i showered 6 times. i'm really trying to break that cyle though, so i only allow my self to shower every other day, so that i can get a normal shower rutine... its really hard though. (like yesterday i showered 2 times... )

this post is a bit long ;) sorry'bout that.