What is this that is happening to me?

[AJ45]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and feel like introducing myself and asking what this is.
I have recently come down with a bizarre obsession/anxiety.

It first started about 6 or 7 years ago when rumours of me being gay with my best friend were circulated as a joke. After a while this got to me so much I couldn't stop thinking about it, 24/7, with my best friends name in the back of my head the whole time. It eventually made me depressed and I told my parents about it. They told me to tell them if it stays like that but I didn't tell them. It took me at least a month to begin getting over it. I developed other problems from it such as HOCD which was severe at first but eventually got better. I lived a normal life for the most part and had forgotten about this previous anxiety I had. However last week it came back to me randomly and scared me badly.

It came into my mind randomly and I got extremely hot headed and worried that I would never stop thinking about it (whatever it is) again. At first it was the name of my friend from ages ago. Quickly my brain must have figured I would forget about it so it moved on to other things. I thought about how when you think about blinking you cant stop thinking about it. Once when I was driving into uni I thought about how all the road signs are yellow and thought to myself, imagine if for the rest of my life every time I see something yellow I will think about how it is yellow. This stuck with me for a while and I still have this in my mind. I have even gotten to the stage where I think, "every time i think about anything which isnt "it" i will start thinking about it". This is completely bizarre but I can't get my mind off it and it scares me.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Wednesday. At the moment I cant see how I can ever escape this cycle and I keep giving myself visions of the future of myself still thinking about it years from now. I can't concentrate on doing any work and I dont have any fun when Im out with friends anymore. I have no idea what this is but hopefully I can find some reassurance here and from the psychiatrist on Wednesday.
Thanks for listening,
Andrew.

[bhamlaxy]

In addition to the psychiatrist (who handles medicine) I would highly recommend seeing a therapist. This sounds like a case of anxiety about a specific thing- circular thoughts and going insane to some extent. This may be caused by the harsh obsessive thoughts about what happened when you were younger.

Thinking that every time you see something yellow, you will think about how it is yellow is certainly a scary thought indeed. But it is fundamentally irrational. It's not going to happen. And obsessive thoughts like that will make you anxious about them, which will make you think about them, which will make you anxious, creating a cycle.

Fortunately therapy can definitely help you get to a point where you say "of course I'm not going to think about yellow over and over... that makes no sense..."

[AJ45]

Thanks bhamlaxy,

I think you are right, its like my anxiety, rather than being over a physical health problem, like many people have, is an anxiety of going insane in a way. It seems to feed off whatever I am most afraid of at the time. I remember trying to convince myself that it was all in my head by reminding myself that I hadn't thought about blinking since I was obsessing about it. Suddenly that fear gripped me again and for the next half an hour I couldnt stop thinking about blinking again. Sometimes I will be in my own thoughts (which i don't get very often anymore) and suddenly get a strange feeling and think "am i thinking about it". Often I have to conciously think about what "it" (my obsession/fear) currently is. It all happens so fast in my head.

I don't know what the psychiatrist will say but at the moment I am just trying to think about not letting it get to me, let the thoughts come if they want and try as hard as I can to keep doing whatever I'm doing.

[EMZ]

How did you get on AJ45?