I'm so sick of feeling like this.

[Jordan O'Leary]

I've been suffering from anxiety and depression since 2009 when I had a drug induced panic attack.
For a few years after that I coped with the horrible effects of anxiety and depression quite well and I started to really enjoy my life again. There were still the horrible moments, like OCD and the occasional panic attack but I dealt with it. I still managed to have memorable experiences during this time and was proud to say that I had seemingly 'overcome' the worst of it. I still looked forward to big things in my life and I could honestly look ahead and get excited about various plans that I had.

Then in 2011 I went to Canada for 4 months to visit my friends uncle and live on his farm. The whole trip was going so well and I felt like I was having the time of my life. I was smoking marijuana again and enjoying it. I even had a great trip on magic mushrooms one time, but everything turned into hell over a period of a few weeks. I had magic mushrooms again but this time I had a really severe panic attack which was probably as bad as the first one I had years ago. The next day I felt alright, I seemed to have shaken it off and I started enjoying my holiday again.

Then on a trip to a festival I was smoking weed and something happened when I was high that I really can't explain. It was like this pit opened up inside me and every thing I loved, my hopes, my dreams, every good feeling I had just got sucked into this hole. It was seriously the most horrifying experience I have ever had and it lasted for hours. The next day I was still so shaken from it and this time I felt it this was something I wasnt going to be able to shake off. The remainder of my holiday was a living hell. I felt suicidally depressed and I was all alone. I constantly needed reassurance from my friend and his family and the people living on the property that I was going to be alright.

Since ive gotten home Ive had more of these horrific hour long episodes but they have gotten shorter and shorter. I know inside, under all this mess, I have so much creativity and love to give but I've been so depressed for over 6 months since the holiday and I'm just so sick of feeling like this. My anxiety symptoms have come back tenfold. Particularly OCD which has made me suicidal at times and I find them more unbearable than ever. I am unbelievably insecure when it comes to my appearance and I feel like an absolute failure with girls I find attractive. I put this down to the anxiety. Mostly I feel depressed, and the feeling just rips all of my lives hopes and dreams away. I've booked therapy with a CBT specialist but its not for months.
I don't know how to cope with feeling so hopeless all the time.
Sorry this is a bit long.

[trinidiva]

You know what the common denominator is? Drugs!!!!
Hey, obviously something in your body is not agreeing with the weed and mushrooms.....you gotta stop doing it, because for the short high you get, you pay for it later.......big time!!!!

[bhamlaxy]

I also had a marijuana induced panic attack and have been coping with issues from it for a little over a month.

In the midst of that panic attack, I swore to never smoke weed again, even after smoking for years. And I know I never will again.

You need to understand that your drug days have to be DONE. No more weed, no more mushrooms.

I would recommend visiting a psychiatrist asap. Someone should be able to see you soon, and you can get some medicine that will help quell the anxiety and balance you out. It won't cure you, but it can make things more bearable as you work on therapy.

[Emmzee]

I would recommend to tell your psychiatrist/therapist about your suicidal thoughts and they have to have you on watch or you can go to your local emergency center.
For the long run, you have to quit drugs. I have worked on the field and encountered so many people who started hearing voices or seeing things (Schizophrenia) after doing drugs. Anxiety is still not as a bad disorder that paralyses you like Schizoohrenia does.