sxeparawhore
05-02-2012, 08:59 PM
This post may be a little long because I'm going to try to give a detailed description about my life and what I live with so I can find out how crazy I really am. I guess I'll start with the beginning.
I believe my anxiety started in middle school going into highschool. It's when I started having problems making and keeping friends and when being around people in general freaked me out. I, like many other people, couldn't stand getting in front of the class and giving presentations. I would find ways around it, even if it meant failing the class. Some of my teachers understood and let me slide while others showed me no mercy and told me I had to just "deal with it". Somehow I managed to graduate high school and was pushed into college where I had some of the same problems. I always had to ask about the classes and if oral presentations were needed to pass and if they were I wouldn't be able to take it. I just couldn't stand the thought of standing in front of the class with all eyes on me. It still scares me even now that I managed to graduate. I believe that was the first step of my anxiety.
After that, it had taken its form in my nervous habit of picking at my hair. I don't even pick at the split ends which a lot of people do. Instead, I pick at the roots of my hair, feeling for hair that feels hard and not smooth. At first I only felt a few and picked them out but now 3 years later my entire head is full of not smooth hair and I still pick at it. I'm afraid I'm going to go bald eventually because of it. I've had bald spots in the past and I managed to stop enough for them to fill back in but it's still a daily battle. As I type this I keep stopping to feel my hair even though I know how it feels and how much I hate it.
Now my anxiety has become the worst it ever has. I have panic attacks and cry over stupid things and make life hell for my boyfriend of almost 2 years. He'll say something negative to me just joking around and I AUTOMATICALLY take it to heart. I don't like to cry in front of him so I'll go to the bathroom and do it in there. Once I start crying I can't stop because my mind brings forward every moment in my life where I did something stupid or where someone made me feel useless and then I actually feel useless. Most of the time I think I'm a burden to everyone I know. It's something I'm trying to change but it's really hard.
I've been to a couple of therapist and my therapist now thinks it's all about how I eat. I've never eaten fruits or vegetables because I don't like the texture of them or the taste so in reality I just eat a lot of junk food. Looking at me you wouldn't know it because I also eat a lot of hot sauce which gives me a fast metabolism. My therapist thinks I have an eating disorder because I'm so skinny but believe me I don't. I eat so much everyday because I don't eat actual meals; just snacks and sometimes pizza. I've been taking vitamins for a while and that seemed to even out my anxiety and depression but lately it's been back with a vengeance. I don't know what to do about it. I know there's a lot more things that happen because of my anxiety but I can't think of them all right now. I know this is all really confusing to read because there's no organization but I just really wanted to get it all out because I'm at the end of my rope. I wish I was a different person and didn't have to live like this.
Thanks for reading all of this mess and taking a look into my crazy life. Feel free to comment.
I believe my anxiety started in middle school going into highschool. It's when I started having problems making and keeping friends and when being around people in general freaked me out. I, like many other people, couldn't stand getting in front of the class and giving presentations. I would find ways around it, even if it meant failing the class. Some of my teachers understood and let me slide while others showed me no mercy and told me I had to just "deal with it". Somehow I managed to graduate high school and was pushed into college where I had some of the same problems. I always had to ask about the classes and if oral presentations were needed to pass and if they were I wouldn't be able to take it. I just couldn't stand the thought of standing in front of the class with all eyes on me. It still scares me even now that I managed to graduate. I believe that was the first step of my anxiety.
After that, it had taken its form in my nervous habit of picking at my hair. I don't even pick at the split ends which a lot of people do. Instead, I pick at the roots of my hair, feeling for hair that feels hard and not smooth. At first I only felt a few and picked them out but now 3 years later my entire head is full of not smooth hair and I still pick at it. I'm afraid I'm going to go bald eventually because of it. I've had bald spots in the past and I managed to stop enough for them to fill back in but it's still a daily battle. As I type this I keep stopping to feel my hair even though I know how it feels and how much I hate it.
Now my anxiety has become the worst it ever has. I have panic attacks and cry over stupid things and make life hell for my boyfriend of almost 2 years. He'll say something negative to me just joking around and I AUTOMATICALLY take it to heart. I don't like to cry in front of him so I'll go to the bathroom and do it in there. Once I start crying I can't stop because my mind brings forward every moment in my life where I did something stupid or where someone made me feel useless and then I actually feel useless. Most of the time I think I'm a burden to everyone I know. It's something I'm trying to change but it's really hard.
I've been to a couple of therapist and my therapist now thinks it's all about how I eat. I've never eaten fruits or vegetables because I don't like the texture of them or the taste so in reality I just eat a lot of junk food. Looking at me you wouldn't know it because I also eat a lot of hot sauce which gives me a fast metabolism. My therapist thinks I have an eating disorder because I'm so skinny but believe me I don't. I eat so much everyday because I don't eat actual meals; just snacks and sometimes pizza. I've been taking vitamins for a while and that seemed to even out my anxiety and depression but lately it's been back with a vengeance. I don't know what to do about it. I know there's a lot more things that happen because of my anxiety but I can't think of them all right now. I know this is all really confusing to read because there's no organization but I just really wanted to get it all out because I'm at the end of my rope. I wish I was a different person and didn't have to live like this.
Thanks for reading all of this mess and taking a look into my crazy life. Feel free to comment.