PhiL89
05-01-2012, 06:07 PM
Hi everyone,
My name is Phil, I'm 22 years old and for the last 5 long years I have been battling depression and anxiety. Now it is more just the anxiety. I've never posted on a forum before, but after reading a lot of the posts on here, I've managed to build up the courage to post, part take and hopefully it will be for the best.
My depression started just after high school finished. For the last year of high school I was in a relationship that ended pretty badly, basically I lost all my school friends and really only had my childhood friends, which can be counted on 1 hand. Went through a drug stage, mainly relying on bud (Marijuana) to zone me out from reality and what I feeling. After 2 or so years of this self abuse I sought medical help after finally admitting I had a problem (problems as it turns out). With the help and support of my mother and sister I went into counselling, seeing a Psychiatrist, Psychologist and then a couple of alternative therapies my mum brought to my attention. Things were starting to get better, I wasn't as anxious or depressed. I then began a job with Telstra (Who i now know to be the devil lol) as a call centre operator, stayed there for another 2 years. But in my time there my anxiety shot up from mild to unbelievably severe, even though I was working out in the gym after work and trying to get back out into the social world. It came to a point where I was having to take a week or more off work at a time because my doctor and I thought I was going to loose it very soon. Anyway start off 2011, after a week or two of building up my nerves, I quit my job to try and get myself together. For the first couple of weeks it was going well, strong, positive and confidence was returning. Mind you I was on medication at this time and before, started with Zoloft 100Mg two per day which made me feel dumb, drained and more anxious.? After switching from that to Aropax and then another one I can remember at the moment I decided to try cope without any, which went well for a while.
I started a new job with a reputable company (which i wish not to name on here or defame) and the anxiety came back straight away. My anxiety is a mixture of feelings really; Sadness, Loneliness, stress, unknown guilt, Frustration with myself and an overall hate for myself. I do not sleep much maybe 1-3 hours a night if I'm lucky. It's killing me slowly I can feel it.
I used to be a outgoing, confident and happy person, but these days I'm shy, fearful, angry and anxious about everything. I used to be able to make new friends wherever I went as I have always been mature for my age, now though I'll meet a new person (male or female) and I can follow up after that first introduction. Sometimes in these situations I have a feeling of "Just leave it, they were probably just being nice yesterday" as if me trying to say "hello" is going to be an inconvenience to them. When it comes to girls, well that's even harder for me. I haven't been in a relationship since high school or had any close friends that are girls. Had a couple of dates here and there but all went the same way, get there, lips quivering, dry mouth, self doubt, sweats and instead of being confident I'm quiet and shy. Most of the time the thoughts that come to mind either before the date or during are "What is she possibly going to find interesting about me? That I've been a loser for the last 5 years?" "Maybe I should just say bye and sorry for wasting your time now?". This is most concerning for me as I used to be good with the ladies, not just relationships but friendships, now I honestly feel like I'm going to be alone forever, like my chance for happiness has past and I didn't even see it.
Sorry for those who are reading this, I know I'm rambling.
Basically now I'm at a point where I don't know what to do, or where to turn for help. As I mentioned I've tried counselling, psychiatrist's and the like with no long turn improvement. From the post on here that I have read, it seems I fall into most of the categories on this site so not sure if people will relate to my whole situation but any responses or advice would be appreciated and I thank you in advance.
Really I'm on here in the hope to get some advice from people and to possibly meet some new people.
Besides all of the bad things I've posted in this today, I still am a good person, just lost if anything.
Thanks for reading.
Kindest regards
Phil
My name is Phil, I'm 22 years old and for the last 5 long years I have been battling depression and anxiety. Now it is more just the anxiety. I've never posted on a forum before, but after reading a lot of the posts on here, I've managed to build up the courage to post, part take and hopefully it will be for the best.
My depression started just after high school finished. For the last year of high school I was in a relationship that ended pretty badly, basically I lost all my school friends and really only had my childhood friends, which can be counted on 1 hand. Went through a drug stage, mainly relying on bud (Marijuana) to zone me out from reality and what I feeling. After 2 or so years of this self abuse I sought medical help after finally admitting I had a problem (problems as it turns out). With the help and support of my mother and sister I went into counselling, seeing a Psychiatrist, Psychologist and then a couple of alternative therapies my mum brought to my attention. Things were starting to get better, I wasn't as anxious or depressed. I then began a job with Telstra (Who i now know to be the devil lol) as a call centre operator, stayed there for another 2 years. But in my time there my anxiety shot up from mild to unbelievably severe, even though I was working out in the gym after work and trying to get back out into the social world. It came to a point where I was having to take a week or more off work at a time because my doctor and I thought I was going to loose it very soon. Anyway start off 2011, after a week or two of building up my nerves, I quit my job to try and get myself together. For the first couple of weeks it was going well, strong, positive and confidence was returning. Mind you I was on medication at this time and before, started with Zoloft 100Mg two per day which made me feel dumb, drained and more anxious.? After switching from that to Aropax and then another one I can remember at the moment I decided to try cope without any, which went well for a while.
I started a new job with a reputable company (which i wish not to name on here or defame) and the anxiety came back straight away. My anxiety is a mixture of feelings really; Sadness, Loneliness, stress, unknown guilt, Frustration with myself and an overall hate for myself. I do not sleep much maybe 1-3 hours a night if I'm lucky. It's killing me slowly I can feel it.
I used to be a outgoing, confident and happy person, but these days I'm shy, fearful, angry and anxious about everything. I used to be able to make new friends wherever I went as I have always been mature for my age, now though I'll meet a new person (male or female) and I can follow up after that first introduction. Sometimes in these situations I have a feeling of "Just leave it, they were probably just being nice yesterday" as if me trying to say "hello" is going to be an inconvenience to them. When it comes to girls, well that's even harder for me. I haven't been in a relationship since high school or had any close friends that are girls. Had a couple of dates here and there but all went the same way, get there, lips quivering, dry mouth, self doubt, sweats and instead of being confident I'm quiet and shy. Most of the time the thoughts that come to mind either before the date or during are "What is she possibly going to find interesting about me? That I've been a loser for the last 5 years?" "Maybe I should just say bye and sorry for wasting your time now?". This is most concerning for me as I used to be good with the ladies, not just relationships but friendships, now I honestly feel like I'm going to be alone forever, like my chance for happiness has past and I didn't even see it.
Sorry for those who are reading this, I know I'm rambling.
Basically now I'm at a point where I don't know what to do, or where to turn for help. As I mentioned I've tried counselling, psychiatrist's and the like with no long turn improvement. From the post on here that I have read, it seems I fall into most of the categories on this site so not sure if people will relate to my whole situation but any responses or advice would be appreciated and I thank you in advance.
Really I'm on here in the hope to get some advice from people and to possibly meet some new people.
Besides all of the bad things I've posted in this today, I still am a good person, just lost if anything.
Thanks for reading.
Kindest regards
Phil