what have I done

[sarahbeth]

Iv not really told many people about my past, about the conflict I felt in side about my gender identity which felt like a burden for 20 years or so.
I was born male but felt wrong, Iv had feelings that I am female. Its caused me a lot of anxiety and heartache.

Fast forward those twenty something years and after seeing a ton of psychologists ,drs and such who put me on female hormones and I feel more anxious then ever.

Because of my phobia of medicine and being put on estrogen ,taking it has made me calmer inside and I am happier with my body but there is a constand fear hanging over me ,a fear of dying from the many possible side effects of estrogen ,from dvt to heart desiese to cancer. Every time I notice something like a sore leg or I have pulpitations ,I fear for my life.

Today iv had several anxiety attacks and my anxious mind tells me that the hormones are harming me.

Iv stopped taking them 3 times because of fear ,when I stop the feelings of being the wrong gender come back and stress goes up, I get depressed.

My friend tries to reassure me that I am fine and hormones wont harm me ,my gp says that the side effects are rare ,but the risks seem so real to me.

Iv reached the stage that when my anxiety gets to much ,I drink.

If I am honest the day the psych gave me hormones ,I was not happy because I knew fear of taking medicines would get in the way. I also knew that if I didnt take them ,that the drs would not give me a referral for surgery.

Trying to live with constand fear and anxiety is getting to much, I am waiting for counselling but its a long way off.

In a months time I am supposed to be going abroad on holiday with my friend but I am even anxious about that.

When I am away from home I find it hard to go to the bathroom, iv been away from home 2 days and I am already constipated =0(

[anxiousmess]

i'm sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment.

i can see how stressful it must be for you. you can't seem to win either way.
you want to take the meds, to move further forward in your treatment. only your fear of meds is so strong, it is knocking you back.

you need to try and overcome this fear of taking the meds. the counselling will be good for you. although, as you say it is a long way off. you need to try your best to get through this until then.

a holiday, as much as it is scaring you at the minute. it might do you the world of good to just let everything go.
is there no meds the doctor could prescribe to you for your consitpation?
try fresh orange if you want to stay away from meds :)

everytime you take a med, remind yourself of why you are doing it. everytime a negative thought comes about regarding the meds, just think of the positive outcome you will soon face once you've got through this.

i know it is a long process, but you are going to get what you have always wanted come the end of it.
20 years is a long time to carry a burden.
you will be able to start your life again, without those feelings once all this is over.

cling on to that when the negativity of the meds come to mind. your doctor has told you, these side effects are rare.
it's easier said than done, but just try and block out the side effects. don't link the side effects with the meds. link only positive things with the meds.

it won't happen over night, but if you keep linking positive thoughts instead of negative thoughts, it will eventually work.

[alankay]

Have you had meds for anxiety proper(benzos, buspar, etc)? Alankay

[sarahbeth]

Than you for your replies. I been trying to tell myself that I am ok and that I will be safe and the hormones won't harm me but then when I get anxiety it feels scary and my thought spiral downwards.

Benzos seem scary. Valium has things like memory loss and aggression and who knows what other side effects.

I would love for several days to pass ,where I could be anxiety free. I see a specialist in a weeks time and hopefully can talk about my concerns with him.

I just hope some day soon I can overcome this. I need to take meds and people have to at some point in time , this phobia could cause problems.

Sarah x