Feeling disconnected, "not with it", like nothing is 'real'

[vincentvega]

Hello all, I've tried to keep this message as short as possible. Please don't hesitate if you have any questions. I'd greatly appreciate advice, tips, guides… any help whatsoever. Thanks.

So here's my background information.
- Throughout teens felt miserable a lot of times, depressed at stages
- Start smoking weed occasionally at 16
- Smoking weed daily at 18/19 years old
- A few weeks before my 20th birthday (I'm smoking loads at this stage) I start feeling bad when I smoke weed, I feel nervous and panicky and I keep thinking I might have a heart attack and other bad thoughts, my heart actually felt weird too, during these weeks. Still enjoyed being high though, just had weird thoughts and that feeling of panic
- On my 20th birthday (September) I smoke and drink loads and end up on my bed with my mind going a million miles an hour, thinking i'm about to have a heart attack - pure panic (luckily I was drunk so I fell asleep quickly)
- Ever since then I've felt different. I started smoking a lot less afterwards, I didn't like it anymore, it made me feel like I wasn't in control and had paranoid thoughts about something going wrong or getting a heart attack.
- Then, one day, I look up my symptoms (racing mind, lack of concentration, constant worrying/feelings of stress, paranoia about what people think, etc)
- I looked up schizophrenia (due to some people claiming marijuana can induce schizophrenia)
- I recognize some of the symptoms (racing thoughts being one of them)
- Spend the next weeks/months scared out of my mind thinking I have schizophrenia. Literally every second of the day I'm scared I'm going to hear a voice or lose my mind or go crazy. I 'scan' everything thats going on in my mind. Every thought, everything I do or say I ask myself "Is this schizophrenia" or "is this one of the symptoms?" Stress levels sky rocket.
- Then, I find out about Anxiety and every symptom I had, was a symptom of anxiety.
- Spend the next weeks calming myself down, convincing myself it's 'only' anxiety and not schizophrenia (still not 100% sure if I actually have anxiety, or any other disease or disorder)
- Read a book on anxiety and the symptoms
- Since then I think of anxiety and its symptoms pretty much non-stop, I analyze pretty much every thought and everything going on in my mind. Although, some days, I wake up and don't think of anxiety for 5, 10 minutes and then when I think of it again it feels like I'm disconnected again and overanalyzing my mind)

So that's everything that's gone on the last 7/8 months. Bare in mind I didn't go to school, didn't have a job in those months so I spent most of the time on my own. I don't have much of a social life or any hobbies. My parents also broke up months before I turned 20, which obviously caused loads of anger, frustration and stress within me.

Now I'll describe what I currently feel like:

I feel disconnected. With my surroundings, with my thoughts and with myself. I don't feel much emotions. It's like I'm going through the motions of life without actually experiencing anything. I don't get excited about things anymore, I don't get the energy or motivation to do things. I have trouble concentrating and thinking clearly. I have racing thoughts once in a while - all these memories, previous conversations, pictures, situations, "voices" (i don't actually hear them), music, thoughts etc going through my mind and I can't really control them when I get them.

The lack of emotions is the worst thing. For example, music used to inspire me and I would feel all these feelings and thoughts stream through my body and mind. Now I don't feel anything. The only thing I think about now is "You used to enjoy this". I just don't feel with it, if that makes sense?

I'm not doing much with my life either, I just sit around all day doing nothing really. I know I should be doing more with my life, and I feel as if I'm letting myself and others down. But I feel like I've been so concentrated on my mental health that I now feel empty and detached. I guess the constant pressure of doing something worthwhile with my life, but not knowing how to or having the motivation or inspiration has a draining effect on me.

So, I hope that made sense, and I hope someone out there can help me out. Please bare in mind I'm extremely sensitive to hearing about mental diseases and disorders. I worry I might have them, it's like I have mental hypochondria. So please, don't tell me I have this or that - I want to know what I can do to get out of this state. Thanks.

[Buttercup]

It sounds like you have a lot going on and you need to speak to someone. Have you told your doctor how you feel? Your GP is your first port of call, he can prescribe medication if necessary and refer you to a specialist- talking therapies can be very helpful.

[bhamlaxy]

Vincent, I am going through almost EXACTLY the same problems as you are. You are not alone. And I can assure you this is actually somewhat common, you do not have some serious mental illness, and there is a very logical explanation for how you are feeling.

First, my story. I smoked marijuana for many years, from age 16-23. When I was younger, I would smoke large amounts constantly. As I have gotten older, more mature, and started my career I have been smoking less and less. It would make me a bit uncomfortable. I was working a very stressful job and decided to smoke one night. I took 2-3 hits, and went to the store. It didn't take long to realize something was very off. I had a horrific panic attack that lasted a few hours. I paced back and forth thinking I was going to die. It was very traumatizing.

I thought I would be fine after that. I was wrong. Ever since then, I have that same disconnected feeling as you. I believe it is called "derealization". I feel disconnected from the outside world, and my body. Everything is a bit dreamy. It's almost like I'm intoxicated in some way, but it is very uncomfortable and disturbing. For the longest time I thought I was going crazy. I don't know about you, but mine has been accompanied by periods of heavy panic, and a few smaller panic attacks.

The science behind this is pretty simple. When each of us had those big panic attacks, our nervous systems were a bit thrown off. They were put under so much stress, that they were "reset" to a higher level of alert. It's a bit more sensitized now because after going through that threat, it thinks it needs to be at a higher level. Don't get scared- This isn't PERMANENT damage, or a crazy mental illness. We simply need to tweak our nervous systems back to a normal level. Your body is just on edge, more ready to "fight or flight" to a threat that doesn't really exist.

Being highly sensitized can make you feel weird in many ways. Since your body is more ready to perceive threats, things can feel distorted. For example, you may feel disconnected from the outside world because your subconscious is more concerned with your immediate surroundings. Your emotions can be drained because emotion isn't important when under imminent attack.

This is a VERY common feeling with anxiety disorders, especially when it comes to marijuana induced panic attacks. Again, this isn't permanent damage, or some disorder inherent to your genes or brain. You had an experience, it changed the way you think, and you can just as well change it back.

Here are a few steps I would recommend you take. It sounds like you have been living with this for awhile, and I can understand how miserable it can be.
1) See a therapist/psychologist
I don't know what your financial situation is, if you have insurance, or if your parents can help, but there are tons of options. You should definitely start seeing a therapist of some sort. Even if you have little money, there are often decent services that have a sliding scale. For example, I'm seeing a great therapist right now for only $17 a session.

2) Possibly see a psychiatrist
Your therapist should be able to know if medication is a good option. Anti-depressants are very commonly used to deal with anxiety disorders, and it seems like you have been dealing with depression as well. You can work with your psychiatrist to find a drug and dose that helps. This can get rid of that disconnected feeling and lift your spirits.

3) Work on improving your health
Try and get active. Go outside and get fresh air. Exercise. Socialize. Eat healthy.


If you have any questions let me know, or you can PM me. I know how much this disconnected feeling sucks, but I am working on getting out of it, and you can too.

[destinee242]

Hi im 19 and i have some of what you have but now im diagnosed.seeing a doctor would be your best bet and maybe a therapist.ive been seeing one for a few months now and it helps.sometimes i just talk and she listens. One thing she told me today was make a poster of your goals for the next five years.it will give you motivation and something to want and look forward to.i made my poster and it helps.i wrote things like get a job,find a career that makes me happy and then i put encouraging words on it and you just shoot for one goal at a time to complete.the lesson ive learned is to definitely see your doctor because you dont want to self diagnose and dont keep it bottled up! Mine i felt like was from a drug that i tried once too and i felt those same things but it slowly gets better with help.its not easy and im still nowhere near 100% but im in a better place then i was a year ago

[jon mike]

Your feeling is derealisation/depersonalisation its perfectly normal but feels like hell. First and foremost. Lower your stress and anxiety! Go to your gp. The doctors Will just refer you to a person who is trained in anxiety. nothin huge. You ain't got anything else wrong with you stop worrying. Weed is not good for anxiety. Can it! Any more info get in touch. :-)

[vincentvega]

Thanks a lot for the replies, I really appreciate it.

I've been thinking about it and I think the main reason for me feeling this way is first of all the years of weed but definitely also because after my panic attack I started looking up all these symptoms/diseases in a really anxious state which probably sent me into overdrive, making me think I had all of them and making me analyze every thought or bit of activity going on in my mind. And also the fact I'm never really distracted from being introvert and thinking about my mental state.

Thanks again.

[hopeNfaith88]

Vincent,

Stop googling! I do it too and it makes things so much worse. I want you to know that i feel the exact same way that you do - literally everything you said. To add to it, i also have bad agoraphobia because when I go outdoors in the sunlight or travel in a car my detached, unreal feelings seem worse and i want to run back home. Its hard for me to even get to a doctor. I smoked alot of weed when i was younger (16-17 im 20 now) with no problems but then had a terrible panic attack with racing thoughts while high and hated it. It was hell. I have tried to smoke since then but even one hit makes me panic so i stopped. Its very common for that to happen. None of us are crazy. I have racing thoughts now like i did while high and it reminds me of it. Its ALL anxiety based. Health anxiety mostly. I suggest doing something about it, taking steps. Because if we dont help ourselves and try changes then nothing will ever change. Heres what i have done so far: Quit my oxycodone addiction. Im clean on day 5 and being physically sick on top of my poor mental health has really blown but feeling clean is something im proud of. I have also gone to my regular doc to have a FULL workup done. I go back this week to get my results of blood work and so forth. He gave me a prescription of celexa an ssri which i have been taking for 5 days. No improvement yet but it takes awhile. I am also seeing a therapist and psychiatrist this week. For our symptoms, i have read that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is VERY effective. Im hopeful about looking into it!

Dont be scared, or worried...we are all here and on this real earth with those around us who love us. Whatever happens, there is treatment for it. And hope. As long as you do something about it to help yourself which is crucial! Since i cant drive myself, i usually pop a small dose of xanax and have a family member drive me to my appointments. I know its scary, i have been suffering for months. But i feel so much better when i talk to my mom and dad. Sometimes i cry to them and i feel better after just to get some reassurance. You dont have to go through this alone! You dont have to fake a smile and act like everything is great. You can tell everyone around you your thoughts and how scary it feels and you wont believe how much better youll feel just getting it off your chest.

Best of luck to you

[vincentvega]

Thanks for your reply, I'm sad to hear you're going through this but it's good to see you're taking steps towards recovery, which I'm sure won't be far away.

[Meggieliz]

Vincent, I'm going through the same thing. Most people on these forums are. Isn't it nice to know you aren't alone? I'm so glad to have found this site. What a fucked-up condition this is. I'm in the thick of it right now and haven't sought the help of a professional yet. My poor family is becoming stressed about me talking to them about it all the time. They think I should be on meds, but of course I'm afraid to take them for fear that they might kill me. UGH!! Feel free to friend me on here and send a message along any time you need someone to talk to. Hang in there...

[troy294]

It will get better it will I'm at the stage the panic attacks gone but I at the part where I get head aches , sore eyes , bit dizzy and I just feel weird in the head it's hard to explain

[chugalug]

Hello, I do understand how you feel. I felt like death during that period and had no motivation to do ANYTHING and I started forgetting things. It was the worst time ever in my entire life. Revisiting it is a complete nightmare. I thought I was gonna be out of my mind.

You should definitely see your gp so that he/she will refer you to a psychiatrist. There is nothing wrong with seeing one, in fact you are taking the right step by seeing a doctor. You will definitely feel better soon :)

Yup and don't google the symptoms anymore! It will make you feel even worst! Take care!