Help!!!

[mommyofanangel]

Hi, I'm new to the forums. I have had anxiety for over 16 years. I may have had some mild anxiety before then but when my son died 16 years ago the anxiety became my life. I was 2mg of xanax a day and on the 10th my doctor took me off the xanxax (which was working perfectly fine) and put me on Klopin. That was the worst week of my life (meds wise) then yesterday she put me on Valium 10mg three times a day. I do feel a lot better on the Valium than I did on the Klopin. But, I am still very anxious and panicky. I know it takes time to adjust to a new medication but I have anticipatory anixety and keep waiting for something awful to happen to me because of the new medication. I know that may sound "odd" to some but my main fear (anxiety) is death - mine, my daughter, husband, parents, cat etc... I also take 50mg of Zoloft a day.

I have been in therapy on and off for 16 years and it does not help. I know what the problems are but I do not seem to have the ability to accept them, work through them and move on. I feel so stuck at times. Like now - I am terrified of the Valium I have no idea if I am having anxiety because the switch in medication has not started to fully take effect yet or if I am just anxious!?

Everything seems to make me anxious I am the most fearful person I know. I just want the anxiety to go away so I can live "my normal" life. This change in meds has taken my normal and tossed it upside down, inside out and shook it all about! Why do doctors have to mess with meds when they are working perfectly fine????? I just don;t understand if she had left well enough alone I wouldn't be seeking support here today. I was doing fine until last week. I'm just so scared of dieing. Does anyone else have this fear?

Thank you for taking the time to read my rambling and I hope someone has something to offer.

[larmer]

Hello, I got anxiety when I was 18, I was so frightened the thoughts I was having the symptoms I thought I was going crazy and that I was going to die. Then 8 years later I got a panic attack again, I couldn't deal with being unemployed for 4 years and my mam had got cancer last year I bottled it up, that's the worse thing you could ever do. When you have a panic attack just say to yourself it only anxiety , its chemical passing through your body, so just sit down relax and just let it pass. Im sorry for the loss of your son. When my mams parent passed away for years and years she would let go, until one day this women who she was working for said to her, if you don't let go of your parents they wont go to heaven, my mam let go and she was so much better after being told this. I hope it helps. You say about the counseling you were on and off, change counselors, counselors do help it just picking the right one for you. What helped me is each day in a diary I right how I feel , what im going through and it really helps. Try it , it might help. A doctor who I once went to told me medication for anxiety does not work at all, it makes it worse. Sure if you ever want to talk just private message me, maybe we can get through our anxiety together :)

[mommyofanangel]

Hi larmer,

Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot to me to know I'm not alone and someone cares enough to reply. I always feel like I am complaining and to be honest I'm sick of listening to myself talk! I have had a dozen different therapists over the years but like I said that ability to let things go just is not there.

I have heard that meds do make anxiety worse and I realize that how well I handle my anxiety and panic is all in my own hands/head. That is why I am so upset with her for changing my medication for me the xanix worked whether it really did or not you know what I mean? Now, she took it away and I feel like I am starting all over again. I sit up at night and just cry because I feel so horrible and I can not sleep. She (the nurse practitioner who changed my meds) I don't think has a clear understanding of what a person with anxiety is actually going through. We are not just anxious feeling we often feel that no one understands and unless you have anxiety and panic attacks I do believe you would have no clue and that is what makes it hard. We are all not classic textbook anxiety suffers everyone is different and you try and tell that to a health care provider and they look at ya like duh....

I just want to feel like myself again so bad!!!!!! It took me years to accept my new normal and now that is gone too! Oh, perhaps I have just hit the nail on the head - I'm tired of people taking things away from me.... My son's death is not the only issue that caused me to become the person I am today it was what pushed me over the edge. I guess it is rare that a person have only one thing that lead up to the anxiety unless of course it was really traumatic. Yes, losing a child/loved one is traumatic but there is usually years of built up emotions that just suck us dry until we can't take it anymore.

If I don't feel better soon I will have to find a new doctor. Thanks again for listening and sharing and I'm sorry about your mams too. xoxo