Struggle town - population: me

[laurandisorder]

A sucky, sucky day today.
I woke up feeling particularly shaky, so I took 2.5mg Valium to get me through the drive to drop my partner at work. By the time I dropped him off and started to drive home, I was shaking really badly. I had to fill up at the petrol station and could barely stand up.

I staved off a full blown attack until 12:30 and my body and the panic took over. Every awful symptom a full 10/10 anxiety attack. I took another Valium and it took over an hour to kick in. It was so bad that my partner had to take me to my psych appointment. We're on our way now and I still can't relax.

This is awful. No matter how many little triumphs that I have, one attack like this sets me back by days. I have to return to work next week (from holidays) and I just don't know how I will cope. I feel like it is perhaps time to come clean with my bosses about my anxiety issues just in case the worst happens whilst I am working.

I'm trying to stay positive. I have beaten this before, I just don't understand why this bout is so relentless. It has it's claws in me good and proper.

I really just needed to vent. I am so frustrated. I want my old self back so badly!!

[browneyemee65]

I know exactly how you feel. Your story sounds just like mine. Are you on anxiety meds? I have been for about a week and a half and waiting for them to help. Till then everyday is a roller coaster. Just yesterday i thought about telling my boss or a co worker about my anxiety. My boyfriend told me it wasnt a good idea. Its hard at work. When anxiety hits you feel all alone. You are not alone. So many people here have the same issues... Life stinks right now... Good luck

[alankay]

Laruen, you have plenty of room to increase the valium dose for the short run but I'd ask about adding an ssri med like zoloft at a low dose and raising it slowly to help reduce/eliminate panic attacks. Valium for me is very effective but I need a higher dose(15mg or so) as do some others. I just think that dose might be a little under the therapeutic level for you(for panic) but that will need to be cleared with you doc. A shorter acting benzo like ativan(lorazepam) might also be tried but again, that's the docs call. Valium will work at the right dose. PM me any time. Alankay

[laurandisorder]

Thanks guys.
It has been such a rough day and for every step forward that I take, I feel like I'm taking a million steps back.

I talked to my shrink and we went through the stuff that is stressing me. The worst part is that I think a significant amount of the stress is now anticipatory and rebound anxiety from lowering my Valium dose this holidays. I asked his opinion about the work stuff and I am going to talk to one of the staff about what is going on.

My Doctor really thinks that my anxiety stems from the loss of a close friend 6 months ago, which I didn't really deal with well. To make things worse, he passed away from a heart attack. Please don't read on if you're hyper aware of medical stuff and search Dr Google......

You have been warned....


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He was only 29, 2 weeks older than me and before he passed away he had numerous symptoms that match up with anxiety and panic attacks. He and I even discussed it and that is what many of the Doctors thought he had. So every time I get a 10 out of 10 attack, I think, could this be it?

He passed away so suddenly. I was fortunate to be on holidays at the time, so I got two weeks to get my shit together. Then I put it out of my mind. My partner and I talk about him often, but other than the funeral, which was hands down one of the worst days of my life, I didn't deal with it.

I need to establish a reconnection between my heart, my mind, my body and my emotions. I'm going back up to a 5mg daily dose of Valium for a while. My Doctor wants me to write a letter to my friend and take it to his grave site and read it to him out loud and let myself cry.

I feel so bad for how I am dealing with this when he has left behind his soulmate and widow, his parents, sisters and relatives. I kid of feel like I don't have the right.

And for the record, I have successfully been on an AD for the last 6-7 years. I'm on Edronax, I think it is an NSRI (??). It has worked really well for me for a good long time. I don't want to mess with my anti-ds whilst I'm feeling so fragile!

Thanks again for the support guys.

I'm going to be a brave girl, suck it up and get back on the horse tomorrow.

[laurandisorder]

Thanks Kev and the other people who responded. You guys are an infinite source of wisdom - as always.

I wrote my letter to my mate and I'm going to go up to the cemetery this weekend to deliver it. I bawled, had a couple of beers and felt that finally, after 204 days that I am starting to accept what happened and the fact I can't change it.

What I can change is my attitude. I'd be lying of I said today has been easy. After a major panic episode I always feel spaced out and shaky as my chest is super tight from tension, but I'm trying to keep myself busy and get back to 'normal'. Had a good long shower, am in the process of cleaning out my wardrobe and am just trying to relax and spend some down time with my lovely pets before I go back to work next week. Going to hit the shops tonight to pick up my meds and clear the cobwebs of doubt. Then go to a friends for some bevvies.

Even though I am shaken by yesterday's turn of events. I am positive I can deal with this. Like all of you guys. I'm a fighter!