Beautiful Disaster
04-10-2012, 08:57 AM
Hi everyone!
I joined in hopes of expanding my support group beyond my family and doctors/therapists. I've been dealing with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder for 10 years. It was well under control for a long time until I decided I could try coming off medication.... yikes.
I started having panic attacks after 9/11 when I was 16 years old. My parents took me to a psychaitrist who prescribed paxil and klonopin (as needed before the paxil kicked in). Paxil was a life-saver for me. I don't remember how long it took but I got better. Panic attacks were very few and far between, then completely stopped. The only times I would have panic attacks in the years to come were as a result of flight anxiety - taking 1mg of ativan a couple hours prior to the flight realllly helped that as well. That, and exposure therapy. Flying more often helped the panic lessen a little. Over the years I jumped around on a few different medications... lexapro, effexor, pristiq... but I eventually ended up going back to paxil. It seemed to work best for me. I was actually maintaining sanity on a 10mg/day dose for a long time. That is, until I decided to get off of it.
Word to the wise for anyone trying to wean off Paxil - do it VERY slowly. Slower that you would think you have to. I was on such a low dose already that my doc thought I would be able to come off of it completely in 3 weeks. Nope. Within days of coming off of it completely I lived in a constant state of anxiety - shaking, crying, fatigue, loss of appetite, fear, etc. I called my doctor back and he gave me 3 options: go back on a low dose of paxil and wean off slower (even trying liquid in order to take smaller doses), go on prozac for a few weeks to get rid of the withdrawal symptoms, or try to wait it out. I opted to try the prozac. He put me on 10mg and I seemed to regain my life back. Things went back to normal for the most part, but after a few weeks I was afraid to come off of it (after my bad experience coming off the paxil). I started going to a new psych office and developed a plan with them to slowly wean me off the prozac, while also doing therapy. My main reason for wanting to get off of medication is because I was planning to get pregnant sometime in the coming year - that, and being on medication for 10 years, I thought it was time to try being off of it.
I seemed to be doing fairly well - I was a little more anxious and irritable but nothing I couldn't handle. Then after being off the prozac for about 3 weeks it started going downhill. After a night of drinking with friends I woke up at 3am and had a panic attack. I took 1mg of ativan to get me stabilized. I lost my appetite for 3 days after that, but once I got back to normal I brushed this off as nerves from the impending start of my new job. Until the next week when it happened again... I drank with friends and woke up having a panic attack at 3am. This time I drew a connection with the alcohol. After losing my appetite again for almost a week, the anxiety started to creep in. I had another panic attack out of the blue, without having any alcohol, a couple weeks later. I was having to use .5 - 1mg of Ativan daily more and more often. As I was spiraling downward, I was constantly doing research about being on medications while pregnant - was that an option? How dangerous was it? The constant anxiety and "what ifs" were taking over my life. After being off the prozac for 7 weeks, I decided I needed to regain my sanity and go back on it. The doctors told me that the state of anixety and panic I was in would be worse for a pregnancy than a low dose of medication. That, and prozac was one of the safest ones to be on during pregnancy.
I went back on 10mg first... I felt okay for a week or two then had another panic attack that knocked me back down. I know it takes a while for prozac to get back into your system but things seemed to be getting worse instead of better. After 2 weeks they bumped me up to 20mg. After another panic attack, and losing my appetite for over a week, I felt like I was at my lowest point. I was actually asking my husband to take me to a hospital because I so desperately wanted someone to help me. I had lost almost 20lbs within 3-4 months. After another 2 weeks, the docs bumped me up to 40mg of prozac. 2 weeks later I'm finally starting to see glimmers of hope. I have periods of normalcy and I feel like I'm slowly getting my life back. For the past few weeks I've been having to take .5 - 1mg of Ativan a day to keep me from having panic attacks. It really seems to help, but then I worry about becoming addicted to it.
I know anxiety is a constant struggle. I really want to find ways to cope with it - not just relying solely on medicine. I see a therapist and talking to her helps - but I find that the deep breathing and relaxation techniques don't really do that much for me. I've tried doing yoga at home and the poses tend to frustrate me. Sometimes listening to relaxation music or podcasts can help.
What frustrates me about my anxiety is that it doesn't seem to be fueled by anything specifically - lately all I have to do is think about how I'm feeling and the anxiety will start to kick in. I'll think "wow, I'm feeling pretty good today!" then within the hour, I'm back on the verge of panic. There isn't anything going on in my life that should be causing me so much anxiety - I have loving family and friends who are in good health, i have a good job that I don't mind, I'm in relatively good health and have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table. It makes me feel guilty that this anxiety is taking over my life, yet so many other people in this world have REAL things to be anxious about.
What are some other things people do to cope with their anxiety? Hypnosis? Accupuncture? I recently started running again and that seems to help. Just getting up and walking seems to help as well.
At this point in time I've put off getting pregnant until I am 100% okay just dealing with MYSELF. It's hard enough to have this anxiety without having to worry about a pregnancy as well!
To anyone who actually made it to the end of this novel I just wrote, I appreciate any feedback or suggestions! :)
I joined in hopes of expanding my support group beyond my family and doctors/therapists. I've been dealing with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder for 10 years. It was well under control for a long time until I decided I could try coming off medication.... yikes.
I started having panic attacks after 9/11 when I was 16 years old. My parents took me to a psychaitrist who prescribed paxil and klonopin (as needed before the paxil kicked in). Paxil was a life-saver for me. I don't remember how long it took but I got better. Panic attacks were very few and far between, then completely stopped. The only times I would have panic attacks in the years to come were as a result of flight anxiety - taking 1mg of ativan a couple hours prior to the flight realllly helped that as well. That, and exposure therapy. Flying more often helped the panic lessen a little. Over the years I jumped around on a few different medications... lexapro, effexor, pristiq... but I eventually ended up going back to paxil. It seemed to work best for me. I was actually maintaining sanity on a 10mg/day dose for a long time. That is, until I decided to get off of it.
Word to the wise for anyone trying to wean off Paxil - do it VERY slowly. Slower that you would think you have to. I was on such a low dose already that my doc thought I would be able to come off of it completely in 3 weeks. Nope. Within days of coming off of it completely I lived in a constant state of anxiety - shaking, crying, fatigue, loss of appetite, fear, etc. I called my doctor back and he gave me 3 options: go back on a low dose of paxil and wean off slower (even trying liquid in order to take smaller doses), go on prozac for a few weeks to get rid of the withdrawal symptoms, or try to wait it out. I opted to try the prozac. He put me on 10mg and I seemed to regain my life back. Things went back to normal for the most part, but after a few weeks I was afraid to come off of it (after my bad experience coming off the paxil). I started going to a new psych office and developed a plan with them to slowly wean me off the prozac, while also doing therapy. My main reason for wanting to get off of medication is because I was planning to get pregnant sometime in the coming year - that, and being on medication for 10 years, I thought it was time to try being off of it.
I seemed to be doing fairly well - I was a little more anxious and irritable but nothing I couldn't handle. Then after being off the prozac for about 3 weeks it started going downhill. After a night of drinking with friends I woke up at 3am and had a panic attack. I took 1mg of ativan to get me stabilized. I lost my appetite for 3 days after that, but once I got back to normal I brushed this off as nerves from the impending start of my new job. Until the next week when it happened again... I drank with friends and woke up having a panic attack at 3am. This time I drew a connection with the alcohol. After losing my appetite again for almost a week, the anxiety started to creep in. I had another panic attack out of the blue, without having any alcohol, a couple weeks later. I was having to use .5 - 1mg of Ativan daily more and more often. As I was spiraling downward, I was constantly doing research about being on medications while pregnant - was that an option? How dangerous was it? The constant anxiety and "what ifs" were taking over my life. After being off the prozac for 7 weeks, I decided I needed to regain my sanity and go back on it. The doctors told me that the state of anixety and panic I was in would be worse for a pregnancy than a low dose of medication. That, and prozac was one of the safest ones to be on during pregnancy.
I went back on 10mg first... I felt okay for a week or two then had another panic attack that knocked me back down. I know it takes a while for prozac to get back into your system but things seemed to be getting worse instead of better. After 2 weeks they bumped me up to 20mg. After another panic attack, and losing my appetite for over a week, I felt like I was at my lowest point. I was actually asking my husband to take me to a hospital because I so desperately wanted someone to help me. I had lost almost 20lbs within 3-4 months. After another 2 weeks, the docs bumped me up to 40mg of prozac. 2 weeks later I'm finally starting to see glimmers of hope. I have periods of normalcy and I feel like I'm slowly getting my life back. For the past few weeks I've been having to take .5 - 1mg of Ativan a day to keep me from having panic attacks. It really seems to help, but then I worry about becoming addicted to it.
I know anxiety is a constant struggle. I really want to find ways to cope with it - not just relying solely on medicine. I see a therapist and talking to her helps - but I find that the deep breathing and relaxation techniques don't really do that much for me. I've tried doing yoga at home and the poses tend to frustrate me. Sometimes listening to relaxation music or podcasts can help.
What frustrates me about my anxiety is that it doesn't seem to be fueled by anything specifically - lately all I have to do is think about how I'm feeling and the anxiety will start to kick in. I'll think "wow, I'm feeling pretty good today!" then within the hour, I'm back on the verge of panic. There isn't anything going on in my life that should be causing me so much anxiety - I have loving family and friends who are in good health, i have a good job that I don't mind, I'm in relatively good health and have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table. It makes me feel guilty that this anxiety is taking over my life, yet so many other people in this world have REAL things to be anxious about.
What are some other things people do to cope with their anxiety? Hypnosis? Accupuncture? I recently started running again and that seems to help. Just getting up and walking seems to help as well.
At this point in time I've put off getting pregnant until I am 100% okay just dealing with MYSELF. It's hard enough to have this anxiety without having to worry about a pregnancy as well!
To anyone who actually made it to the end of this novel I just wrote, I appreciate any feedback or suggestions! :)